seeking for my calling

I've been asked by lot of people what exactly what I would like to do with my life, mostly by my girlfriend of 4 years, to which I reply I've yet to decide. I've given it a lot of thought. My close friend tells me to just return to my previous course which is nursing. With that being said I've consider it many times over yet I can't find the guts to make a firm stand whether I'll take it up or not. After I quit nursing school I thought of becoming a writer. However, I realized that you don't really need a degree to write what's on your mind and earn yourself some followers that will take their time to read what you want to say.

At least that's what I thought.

I tried my hands on nihonggo for a caregiver job in Japan. That too didn't turn out to be productive. I just ended up wasting time and money.

I tried getting a job and luckily enough I landed one at a call center. One good thing about call centers, they pay well and you have tons of benefits that come along with it. Bad thing about it is you gotta do the same old thing day by effing day.

That didn't worked out as well.

I can't seem to make up my mind to what I really would like to be doing. I love to write and yet there are times that it bores me to even think of a good topic to write about. Laziness is my greatest illness that i can't seem to get over. I tried overcoming it and try I did but didn't quite make it. If it wasn't for my girl, only God knows what I'm doing. For all I know I may already be dead.

Enough of that.

I speak ok, write ok and do my job ok. But at the end of the day I still find myself asking what I would rather be doing. At the end of the day I feel like what I'm doing is less than par to what i really should be doing.

For starters, I'd like to get a degree. Question is what kind of degree? To this question I've yet to find my answer. I'd like to at least provide for my family and have them be proud of me. But I guess that's too much to ask given I find the simplest of tasks to be taxing. I could rant all day and use heavy words that will somehow make me look like I know what I'm writing about but that won't make much of a difference. I'd still go home thinking what is it that I would rather be doing instead of ranting.

It would have been better if I could choose from 2 options but I don't even have any options to choose from from the beginning. Or maybe I have but it still hasn’t come to me yet. Is it my ego that gets in the way? Is it that lack of motivation from the person I seek it from the most that is lacking? Or is it just me hindering myself to go and get what I want, given that I already know what that is. I'm so confused. Tired. Getting of sick of myself for not being able to decide what I really want. I'm not getting any younger. Opportunities are quickly depleting. I need to get my ass into gear if I like to do something with my life; I need to make up my mind.

Dear God, please help me find my calling. Amen.




Cheers!